It's a thing I say often. It occurs to me, though, that I have never set down any kind of concrete list of these rules of mine, and since I seem to be doing lists lately...
I don't apply these to anyone else. They're just stepping stones I use to cross the scary river of Choices to the lovely, green bank of The Person I Would Like to Be. I have broken all of them. I likely will again, because I am (unfortunately) human, but just to have them is a way of ensuring I will think twice before doing something regrettable and remember why I made the rules in the first place.
***
Enthusiasm for everything.
It will keep you afloat when you can't tread water anymore, I promise you. Are you bored? Then you're not paying attention. Open your eyes. Everything is telling you something all the time. Watch. Listen. Learn. Apply your knowledge. Do better. Fail. Pay more attention next time. Do better.
No killing.
You will not kill. This does not exclude insects and other things that people casually destroy. Every living thing you encounter is a beautifully complex system made of other interlocking systems that you most likely have not even taken the time to understand. You don't get to kill it if you don't know how it works, and once you do, you probably won't want to kill it anymore. So live and let live--and when possible, prevent others from careless acts of destruction.
No crying in public.
You will not cry when you can be seen by even one person. Better yet, don't cry at all. You're alive, so you can count on having problems that are both numerous and diverse. So be it. When they rear their ugly heads, solve them. Don't parade your distress in front of people who have problems of their own.
Follow your mind, not your heart.
It is true that the heart has its reasons that reason cannot know. Thank you, Pascal. Anything that regularly steps outside the territory of reason is not something you should listen to. Yes, the heart will want. It will want and want and want--and you don't have to listen. You have a mind. You will use it. The heart will get over it, and you will be better off.
Don't go down without a fight.
Persistence may only pay off some of the time, but giving up pays off none of the time. You've fallen into holes before. You know there are handholds in the walls. Find them. Try again. If your stubbornness will not allow you to alert others to your difficulty, you will find a way out yourself. Any other course of action is weak and self-indulgent--and if you succeed, the success will be all the sweeter for having been hard to achieve.
Remember what doesn't matter.
You are not special. You are not important. You can say whatever you like, but you are what you do. Do good. Help. Never put yourself first. Do you want something? Set it aside. You get back only what you give. If you are truly useful, you will be happy. If you're not happy, you're holding too much back. Let it go. I repeat: Let it go.
That being said...
Remember that suicide is much too painless.
This is not grand revolution or the final battle of the great war. You are not required to die for the cause. You are not required to die at all. Though you can sacrifice yourself for other people in a myriad of unskillful and self-destructive ways, you will not. You're more use to them alive and functional. Do what you need to to stay that way.
Remember what does matter.
Remember what you can't see. Remember that you reveal yourself with everything you say and do, no matter how much you wish you didn't. You can't keep doing this. No matter how harshly to talk to yourself, you will fail. Breathe. Remember to breathe. There is nothing so wrong with you that you don't deserve the things you try to give to other people.
You are human.
You are human.
You are human.
And that is wonderful.
