Reasons to Give Up

My mother tells me to my face that she generally does not believe I am a “full person.” I do not react. I switched myself off when I walked into her apartment.

The list of people I have let down appears to be growing longer. I am remaining in people’s good graces purely through a reputation based on characteristics I am apparently no longer able to even feign.

The silence is unbreakable, but I am not.

I hurt myself even though no one wants me to do anything besides stop.

I finish nothing, attempt nothing, trust nothing.

Everything that comes into my head twists into the worst possible thing,

just like I have a gallery in my head of shots I missed because I wasn’t quick enough, or brave enough, or prepared enough. Just like the larger it gets, the less desire I have to even pick up my camera.

Just like everything that goes wrong somehow ends up being a reason to not try to do it right.

I think I would rather make a list of reasons to keep going, but it would take all night. It would be so long.