Living Arrangements

It’s better to write that you want to give up than to give up.

It’s better to say “I can’t do this” than to stop trying.

It’s better to get it out. It’s better to get it out.

This exhaustion hit me like a semi. I don’t know. I don’t know. Funny how people can be so different. From themselves. Funny.

I was okay five minutes ago.

I can do this, though. Yes, I hear you, little voice at the back of my head. “Sure you can, but what’s the point? You’re not worth it. You never amount to anything even when you’re trying. Just give up. Give up. Give up. You give up on everything else, after all.”

Yeah, okay. I hear you. I also remember that we have an arrangement. You stay on your side of the line and I’ll stay on mine. No, I won’t come over. You have nothing to offer me.

Maybe I want to give up now. Just from…being tired, really. It’s an exhaustion thing. Give up and you won’t have to fight anymore. Right. But you know and I know it doesn’t really work like that, just like you know and I know that giving in to the urges doesn’t make them go away permanently, and the next time it’s easier.

Fuck you. I am not making this easy for you.

“Want,” okay. Right now. But not “ready to.” I am not ready to give up. I have too much to look forward to. You are not ruining this for me. Fuck you.

You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine.

I’ll take time. For myself. I’ll take it from you. You watch. Maybe I’ll miss some assignments. Maybe I won’t always make it to class. Sometimes I need that. To hell with perfect grades if getting them means I have to break this semester. I’ll take what I need. I’m worth it.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am.