I can't remember when I started clenching my teeth, but I catch myself doing it more and more often these days. Another bad habit, I guess. Add it to the list. I often say that home is a bad place for me to break habits, but I'm away from home again now, so it's best to be positive. Ugh. "Be positive." I hate that; I sound like Effie Trinket.

Writing isn't working. This, for instance. I half expect to look down and see the keyboard shriveling up under my hands.

I sound worse than I am, I swear. I'm not not-okay, exactly, but I feel oddly rudderless. I would like something to put my hand on. Or an envelope stuck under my door containing a letter than explains... I don't know. Something? Maybe I just need to get some sleep. Of course, if I go to sleep, the twelve-year-old girl I'm talking to might kill herself. You know. Normal people problems.

You know what I miss? When I was little, after meeting, everyone would gather in what we called the Blue Room and sing hymns. Someone played the piano, and everyone else who wanted to would stand in a circle and sing. I'd be downstairs with the other kids, but when I heard music, I'd say "I have to go now." I'd run upstairs and into the middle of that circle, and I'd dance. Not caring what I looked like. Not caring that I was surrounded by other people who were watching. I don't know what box a fearful child like I was had in which to put that experience so I could do it, but it must have been there. I miss that. Not dancing, specifically, but I miss being someone who would.